We were so lucky to have Bryce home with us for three solid weeks right after Max was born. But for the last two weeks, Bryce has been in full blown camp-mode…working long days–like 14 hour days–to get ready for the camp season which started today. Every night that he has come home late, he has apologized for being late. Last night, Max and I went with him to the YMCA to get the last of everything ready for today, and we spent a couple of hours there running copies, stuffing binders, and shushing our screaming baby…and on the way home, Bryce apologized. He apologized because he only thought we would be there for about 30 minutes. I was confused on why he was apologizing, because to me…we got to spend some quality time together, regardless of what we were doing. But yet, he had a look of sadness on his face as he said, “I just feel so bad that I’ve spent so much time working. I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what to say…”I forgive you” didn’t feel like the right thing to say…and neither did “It’s okay.” Every time he apologized, it made me feel sad…sad that he was sad…sad that he felt sorry about doing his job and providing for our family.
Then it hit me…I would much rather him come home late and tell me, “Thanks Mo for waiting up for me,” than “I’m sorry I’m so late again.” I would love to hear, “Thanks for taking care of Max all day today while I worked. I can’t imagine how many diapers you had to change!” Instead of “I’m sorry I can’t help out more.” I started thinking about the feeling of guilt that he seemed to be having, which is something that I deal with a lot too. I mean…I can’t tell you how many times a day I apologize for the tiniest, most minute things. Two days ago, Bryce and I apologized to my mom for not staying and eating lunch after she had just went to the store to make it for us. Those tiny apologies end up making us feel guilty, and they leave the other person feeling crappy too…wondering how to respond and feel.
I told Bryce on the way home from the YMCA, “I wish you would stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry for! You spent three wonderful weeks not working to be with us at home. Instead of saying that you’re sorry…just tell me thank you.” You see, when we switch our minds from guilt to gratitude, it does a wonderful thing…it brings joy. It makes the other person feel appreciated, and it takes the negativity away in our own hearts. After we got home, we were sitting on the couch and Bryce got up to go to bed. I was still trying to deal with a fussy baby, and pumping milk at the same time, sitting on top of piles of folded clothes. He said, “I’m sorry but I have to go to bed. I’m going to have a long day tomorrow…” and then he paused and said…”Actually…thanks for doing so much to help me tonight so that I can get the rest I need to be ready for tomorrow.” He kissed me, and went upstairs. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t feel frustrated or upset like I might typically feel. His gratitude towards me made me in turn more grateful towards him. It made me feel appreciated and like he really saw me.
I’m going to make it a priority to retrain myself to be less guilty, and to show more gratitude in my daily life. Instead of feeling guilty about asking for help during these tough newborn days…I’ll just show my thankfulness, and accept it. Instead of feeling guilty about not having a clean house, I’ll thank my husband for being so understanding and patient with the piles of clothes and mound of dishes surrounding us.
Leave a Reply