It’s Okay to Change Your Mind…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. I dreamed of long days spent snuggling with my little babies and nursing them whenever they were hungry; building block towers with my toddlers and zooming airplanes full of healthy vegetables into their adorable little mouths; crafting decorations out of pinecones and baking sweet desserts with my little ones before they went to school; and of course, making sure they knew how to read before they entered kindergarten….just like my mom did with me.

Even back in March of this year, I’d decided that after five years… I was done with teaching. I was ready to take the plunge into stay-at-home-momming. I blogged about the grieving process and my plan to say goodbye to the classroom, but celebrated the opportunities that I would have to spend time at home taking care of my family. My Pinterest boards were full of age-appropriate sensory tub ideas for babies, healthy meals for families of three, and budgeting tips to make a household run on one humble salary. I was ready.

And then…things got lonely. My extroverted-soul was aching for human interaction beyond that which my newborn could give. As much time as there was in a day, I still couldn’t get off the couch and get the laundry done, or tackle the pile of dishes in the kitchen. I was plagued with boredom, sadness, and lack of sleep. I wasn’t fulfilled. I talked to my doctor about possible Post-Partum Depression and she recommended that I start talking to a counselor…but I never had time to set up my first appointment.

My friend and former mentor texted me and told me about a position opening up at her school. It sounded perfect. One grade, one subject, and about 20 minutes from my parents’ house back home in Indianapolis. I felt a renewed sense of energy, updating my resume. When I went for my interview, I was filled with energy and excitement. When the principal called and told me that I got the job…he said he would need me to be there less than a week later. That meant packing up, saying goodbyes, and moving my life four hours away from where I currently was. Bryce and I prayed about it, and we decided to go out on a leap of faith and switch up everything–to say yes to this unexpected opportunity, and say no to my previous desires to stay home with my son. With the help of amazing friends and family, we packed up our little house near St. Louis, and I took my 3 month old little baby with me and we moved to Indianapolis. Enthusiasm, excitement, and curiosity quickly replaced my feelings of depression.

For a month, I lived with my parents while Bryce finished his job back in St. Louis. My childhood-bedroom and I were reunited, this time with a crib and a rocking chair crammed in tightly. For that month, I cried myself to sleep each night as I got up 10 or more times a night with my baby, waking up for work at 5:30 a.m. without my husband beside me, and relying on my mom to pack me a lunch and cook dinner for me as I transitioned to being a working mom. It was the hardest month of my life. But I was happy. I was doing what made my heart full. I was around people who shared a similar passion. I was teaching. And not only was I doing what I loved, but I had the support of my village.

I battled myself for a long time, telling myself that I was cheating my son out of a childhood full of memories with a mom who planned activities for each holiday, and  who turned mundane tasks into incredible adventures. But then I realized that I can still do those things. I can be a working mom, and still make memories with my son. I can be present in his life. I can ignore that pile of laundry to play peek-a-boo. I can pick up a Take-N-Bake pizza from Aldi instead of spending an hour making dinner so that I can watch my baby enjoy his first bites of sweet potatoes. I can be intentional about making the most of our Saturdays, Sundays, and breaks from school. As a result of this transition, Max is able to not just make memories with me…but he’s able to make memories with his Papaw who takes care of him each day while I work, and with all of our other family who are closer to us now thanks to this big move. How many little boys can say they spent every single day with their grandfather watching them?

Changing my mind was hard. Resetting my brain to allow myself to be a working mom was hard. Sitting on the floor behind my desk, pumping during lunch (instead of eating with colleagues) is still hard. But it’s all okay. However we decide to take care of our babies is okay, Mamas.

It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to be a stay-at-home mom. It’s okay to be a working mom. It’s okay to allow yourself to be happy in whatever way makes you happy. Because a happy mom is a good mom.